Today has been a mixed bag of emotions for me – and quite frankly a day I don’t ever want to repeat … ever! I was going to put a ‘real’ mini-spit on my Facebook status, but remembered my boss and work colleagues are friends on there, so I thought better about giving any details … and I may remove this little vent in a day or two as well …
I had a major melt-down at work this morning, and have spent the day apologising for it. I haven’t truly enjoyed my job for some time now … partly due to some of the larger than life personalities I have had to work with, and in some small part due to the job itself. Anyway, one guy in particular I have major issues with … and this morning it came to a head in a major collision kinda way 😦
For about 1 1/2 years now I’ve put up with him arguing with everything I say – every time he’s asked me for work advice I’ve offered my opinion and he immediately starts arguing and questioning my response. Initially it was just downright irritating, but over time I’ve started to take it personally … and every time I interract with him I brace myself for a confrontation, because 99% of the time he disagrees with everything I have to say – and I feel as though my opinion is of no value whatsoever. Added to that fact is that I also know of an extra-marital affair he’s had – which hasn’t helped to garner any respect from me, as that’s something I’m incredibly against … but I haven’t addressed my concerns with his arguing with me, to ensure that my feelings against him haven’t been influenced by my issues with his personal affairs … even though I know it hasn’t been an influence, because I’ve been frustrated with his attitude since well before I knew about his affair.
Anyway, when I first arrived into the office this morning I was super perky and joking with my boss that I was in super early … I also found out that I’d got the secondment I’d applied for … I felt really good after my week off …
Then I had my first meeting of the day with my boss, the guy I have the issue with, and a new colleague. My boss eventually left the room to allow us to discuss a plan of attack for some work we need to complete by the end of this week … as “the guy” never pipes up first, I offered a suggestion to start the ball rolling, using the experience I’d just gained on doing a similar job over the last month or so with my latest project – no sooner had I opened my mouth and completed my first proposal, he started up with an entirely opposite viewpoint and belittled my suggestion because he didn’t see the point … after trying to explain further, he just kept reiterating his standpoint … anyway, after 18 months of build-up I finally cracked under the pressure and told him he was the most argumentative and frustrating person I’ve ever had to deal with, and that I’d had enough … I was sick of arguing and no longer gave a sh*t – that he could just tell me how he wanted to do it and I’d follow his orders. All I wanted to do was to get away from him … so I went fuming back to my desk …
Then I got called straight into another meeting with my boss, and blurted out to him that he’d best know I just spat the dummy with this guy with a few minor details of what went off. He offered to follow-up, but I said it was my issue and I was a big girl and would deal with it … so I spent the next few hours building up the courage inbetween building up a migraine to go and apologise for my outburst …
Which I eventually did … after almost making myself throw up with the stress of it all (I soooo hate confrontation and addressing personal issues), I bit the bullet and called him into a meeting room, and apologised for my outburst, but then opened up and explained how he had made me feel for the last 18 months, and that I feel on defence as soon as I walk into a room with him because I know I’m going to be personally attacked within minutes. Anyway, let’s just say we had a lengthy discussion … and I guess it’s helped to clear the air, and perhaps our communication will be more open in the future. I need to stop letting my feelings about his personal issues impact on my handling of work issues so they don’t escalate like this again – and I need to say more quickly when things are impacting on me …
He did admit that sometimes my point is the right one – and that recently when I ignored his feedback and just went with my gut instinct and did what I wanted anyway, the outcome results were all positive … (I do have to admit to driving home mentally thumbing my nose at him, because I was proven right … childish, but oh so satisfying at the time!)
I still think he’s a dick-head, and I have no respect for him personally, but I have to work with him closely even in my new role (although hopefully not as closely as we do now), and if nothing else today we accepted that we both view situations in a totally different perspective, and that I view the picture as a “whole”, and look at the larger sphere of the issue and “what could be”, whereas he looks at a tiny portion of the issue and keeps his focus there so doesn’t understand when I come to him from a whole different perspective. So from that side of things, perhaps communication will improve dramatically from here on in … workwise …
I had to de-brief my boss at the end of the day with the outcome – and I was told that I was very courageous to handle it the way I had by taking ownership of the issue and making the first move … and that he was really proud of how I handled it. I can’t say I felt particularly proud when I was losing my bottle first thing this morning, but I suppose I have learned some valuable life lessons … I know not to let emotions sit building up for 18 months, and explode in a heartbeat, but to walk away when we reach an impasse, and return to it once we’ve both calmed down …
Even as old as I am, life is all about learning, I guess … I can’t say I’m looking forward to work again tomorrow, but the weekend is only 4 days away … And even though it’s probably been good to clear the air today …
The fact still remains that today has been a day that truly sucked!! 😦
Feather Stitching 